THE PHILOSOPHY OF THE BICYCLE

Always goes everywhere by bicycle — the idealist.
“A bicycle is nothing but a frame, two wheels, and pedals,” says the materialist.
When that doesn’t work, folds and gets into the car — the conformist.

“I won’t believe it until I ride it,” says the empiricist.
Measures every mile and every revolution — the positivist.
Questions both the limits of the bicycle and their own — the criticist.

Believes every climb will eventually end — the optimist.
Is always one wheel behind — the pessimist.
Drops everyone and rides off alone — the egoist.

Knows there is no meaning in where they are going, yet keeps pedaling — the nihilist.
Chooses their own route and finds their own meaning along the way — the existentialist.
Proves that even a road without a bike lane is, in fact, a bike lane — the sophist.

Wants all bicycles to be collectively owned — the communist.
Cannot tolerate the authority of the second wheel — the anarchist.
Pedals so that no one gets left behind — the socialist.
“Everyone should choose their own bicycle and their own route,” says the liberal.
“Everyone should ride the same bicycle and follow the same route,” says the fascist.

When there is no room left in the garage, expands into new territory — the imperialist.
Finds a way to create value even from a bicycle — the capitalist.
“At least let the frame be made at home,” insists the chauvinist.
Demands equality both on the road and in the peloton — the feminist.
“Bicycles are for everyone,” says the humanist.

Carries a memory from every ride on their knees and elbows — the masochist.
Deliberately puts the steepest climbs on the route — the sadist.
Competes with their bicycle for beauty — the narcissist.