Obsessive Compulsive Cycling Disorder

OCCD could be described as an “obsessive-compulsive cycling craze.” Beyond a certain point, it becomes impossible to prevent—or at least extremely difficult to treat. That is why people who are new to cycling should be warned to be especially careful and protect themselves.

The obsessions usually involve the latest cycling equipment, cadence, weight, and nutrition. But they can include just about anything related to bicycles.

OCCD generally appears during adolescence or early adulthood. If left untreated, these people may never recover. Throughout their lives, they tend to torment those around them even more than themselves (ruuun!).

There is no consensus on how OCCD begins. Some claim it starts with the purchase of the first bicycle; others say the condition is triggered by the first long ride, the first Strava upload, or the thought, “If I just buy one more part for this bike, that’ll be enough.”

The most dangerous stage begins when the person’s bicycle is already perfectly fine, yet they start browsing the internet for a new frame, wheels, groupset, and other equipment. From that point on, there is usually no turning back.

Symptoms

• Communication with these people is virtually impossible, so don’t even try. You need an interpreter to understand what they are saying (and another interpreter to understand the interpreter). They speak in terms like crankset, cassette, groupset, cadence, derailleur, and other words you may struggle to find in an ordinary dictionary.
• They are like a weather service. Not only do they know the three-day forecast, they also keep track of exactly which direction the wind will blow from and at what speed. Yet they are still frequently seen crawling home exhausted and covered in mud.
• They are often seen returning home shortly after setting off, only to turn around again the moment they reach the front door. In their hurry, they forgot to start their bike computer.
• They don’t eat proper meals. For these people, a banana or a handful of nuts can sometimes count as an entire meal.

• They own at least three bicycles (road, mountain, and touring), and replace them every two or three years. Their bicycles are usually kept indoors, occupying the largest room in the house (they mustn’t be stolen, and they must remain in sight at all times).
• Only their arms and legs are supposed to be tanned. These cyclist tan lines are one of the most important signs of an accomplished cyclist and a source of pride to be displayed at every opportunity.
• They must count their breathing and heart rates, pedal cadence, and wheel revolutions separately—or buy a cycling computer capable of counting all of them.
• You can recognize them by the sound of their footsteps before they even come into view. Their cleated cycling shoes clatter across the floor like hard-soled dress shoes, leaving everyone around them bewildered.

Treatment

There is no known cure. If you notice symptoms of OCCD in yourself or someone close to you, don’t panic. Chances are, it is already far too late.

It is said that taking up new hobbies may help. Unfortunately, there is a very good chance that an OCCD sufferer’s new hobby will turn out to be gravel riding, bikepacking, cycling photography, or collecting vintage bicycles.

The best thing to do is leave them to it—and memorize a few cycling terms for use in emergencies.